By Kiera Rich – KRich13@bellsouth.net
I had sinus surgery last month. At my pre-op appointment, the surgeon gave me a video tour of my sinuses. It was grotesque and yet, strangely fascinating at the same time. It was like watching a procedure on Discovery Health but having it be virtual reality as I could feel the scope in my nose and see the scenery on the big screen. It was a very bizarre experience by anyone’s standards; but, it might make an outstanding thrill ride at some progressive thinking amusement park!
A few days later as I was enjoying my breakfast (A puffy, clear bag of IV fluid.) in the pre-op area, I thought about my surgery which was just a few minutes away. Although I’d gone under anesthetic numerous times before — including an 11.5 hour operation when I was a teenager — I was still apprehensive. The stakes seemed higher somehow, this being my first surgery as a married woman, and I felt pressure to “perform”. I had a lot to come back to.
I was also picturing the scope tour I had of my nose, remembering how my surgeon excitedly pointed out landmarks to me as we went. He definitely knew his way around the inside of my nose. And yet, I was still frightened. That element of giving up control and trusting other people to take care of me has always been a difficult one for me.
As you probably figured out by now, the surgery was a success. 45 minutes of surgery provided relief that nothing else could. The headache I’d had for 5 months was gone, taking several other pesky symptoms with it. I was thankful for the skill of my surgeon and the hospital staff who knew my body and how it functions so much better than I do. I was very happy with my decision to go ahead with the surgery — even though I was scared.
And now, on the other side, I keep wondering how my nose looks. I wonder if the landmarks are the same and if I needed to, could I find my way around. I also keep thinking about signing the pre-op paper work. You know, those cheerful documents that list every possible outcome and every little thing that could go wrong and end up with ” or death”? My heart was definitely pounding when I signed those papers, but I did it without really thinking twice because I was so desperate for relief.
I think it’s pretty interesting that I was so willing to give myself over to a guy that I’ve only met twice and trust that he’ll do what he is supposed to and that he won’t kill me. And yet, as God has been reminding me, there are areas of my life that I can’t seem to trust Him with. Why is it easier to trust the flesh of man than the One who created me? I truly wish I had the answer.
What if God took me on a little tour of my insides? I’m sure I could feel the God-scope moving through me as He pointed out the landmarks and things that weren’t supposed to be there.
“See Kiera?” He would say, “This is where that big tumor of envy used to be. You let me remove it, remember? See how well it’s healing? And this, this is where all those deceitful-thought polyps hung out. It looks so much better after your deceitectomy!” We would go a little further before God would stop this scope abruptly. “Eeew! What’s this? Anger. Hmmmm…it’s been here a long, long time. I need to remove it. I can start the surgery immediately. Are you ready?”
And then I hear myself say, “No, God. I like my anger just where it is, thank you very much.”
“But I can fix it!” He would say. “I can take it away. It won’t bother you anymore!”
“It’s ok. Really. Let’s just leave it.”
“It will continue to grow. You know that, right?”
“Oh yes, I know. As you said, God, it’s been growing there for a long time. I know it’s there. I know it’s getting bigger and darker with each passing day. But I like my sin. It’s comforting and fits me like an old bathrobe. Thanks for the offer to remove it. Really nice of You; but, like I said, my sin is just fine where it is. Thanks anyway.”
I can just imagine the look on God’s face as He withdraws His scope and packs it away. He says no more but I can tell I have hurt Him deeply. He wants to help. He wants to save me from further pain. But I won’t let Him. I just won’t sign the consent form and give myself over to Him.
How stupid is that????
You know, I’ve been asking myself that question a lot lately. There are definitely areas that I don’t seem to be able to let God into. They are mostly areas that began as deep hurt but that have festered into anger and hatred over the years. I know that I need to allow God to lance those boils and let the infection out so He can begin treating it. I know I’ll feel so much better on the other side. Old problems will fade away and I will emerge stronger and healthier than ever before.
If I could just fight through the fear, give up control, trust, sign the consent form and allow God to change me on the inside…
