By Kiera Rich – KRich13@bellsouth.net
“Write an essay in which you prove that other people exist.” That was my assignment last week for a book discussion group that I’m involved with. “Book discussion group” sounds good, doesn’t it? Very intellectual. However, the reality is that our “group” consists of two. A friend of mine and me. That’s it. We do get quite a bit accomplished at our meetings; but, the most important thing we do is talk – continuing the slow, sweet process of a friendship developing richness and depth over time.
We are reading a book together called “Blue Like Jazz“ by Donald Miller. So far, it’s a wonderful book – if you can judge a book’s wonderfulness by the time you finish chapter two. My system for deciding if a book is good or not is really quite simple. If the book confuses me, it’s good. And if my current state of confusion is any indication, ”Blue Like Jazz” is outstanding. It’s not confusing in an intellectual sense — like trying to figure out the rules of curling and why they show it on TV. It’s confusing in a Spiritual sense — like sleepless nights spent wrestling with being in the world and not of it.
Last week’s chapter discussed the selfish, sinful hearts of fallen man which inhabit bodies that God originally designed for good. Let the contradictions begin!
So all week I’ve been wrestling with this idea, basically trying to figure out if I’m good or evil. I’ve kind of been wishing my life played like one of those old westerns. The bad guys wore black hats. The good guys wore white hats. You always knew where everyone stood. All this soul-jousting could simply be avoided if I could just check the color of my hat.
I pretty much consider myself to be a white-hat wearer. I pay taxes. I vote. I’m responsible. I’m kind to animals and children. I value the elderly; and I consider service to others to be a privilege, not a burden or one more thing I have to do. I don’t think the Ten Commandments are merely suggestions. I consider them to be law. I try very hard to live a life in which my profession of belief in these Commandments is not regularly contradicted by my thoughts, speech, and actions.
But then there’s the other side of me that isn’t so nice. The one that’s selfish and judgemental. The one that is quick to anger and slow to forgive. The impatient one. The one who doubts God’s faithfulness and goodness when times get tough. The girl with the sarcastic tongue and evil thoughts. How can such darkness exist in the same space the white hat? I don’t think it can and that’s been a little hard to swallow.
I’ve always been firmly planted in the “People are basically good” camp. But I have to admit, that soapbox is getting a little shaky. With every terrorist attack, with every little child who is abused, with every elderly person who is robbed, with every animal mistreated, with every person who acts rudely toward me — it gets harder and harder to believe that people are basically good. People are basically selfish. People are basically evil. People are basically greedy. People basically stink. And yes, I definitely include myself in this “people” category.
You may argue that terrorists, murderers, and other assorted perpetrators are the exceptions. These are abnormal people doing abnormal things. But they’re not. They’re normal people doing normal things on one end of the evil continuum while I merrily dance on the other end. The motive behind their actions is the same motive behind my actions: selfishness, greed, hatred, and a desperate, willful desire to be in control. If they are the problem, then so am I and so are you.
Try this. Next time you’re really annoyed with someone, next time you get hurt, try asking yourself why you’re feeling the way you do and then really boil down your answer. My guess is that you’ll come to the same conclusion I did. Here’s a hint…all of my answers were very “me” oriented.
The writings of Donald Miller have stirred up many feelings and thoughts for me this week. It’s confusing. It’s difficult. It’s paradoxical. It’s amazing. My brain is constantly jockeying for understanding, and every time I think I’m finally getting it, my newest theory begins to unravel faster than a moth-eaten sock.
Am I good or bad? Black hat or white? Is there such thing as a grey hat? Black with white polka-dots? I could debate this one until I’m as blue as a Smurf. But I think that if people are truly good, they would be able to get to heaven on their own. I can’t do that. How about you? If people were good, they wouldn’t have any need for a Savior. But I desperately need Jesus. And only through Him can I be good. Only through Him can my filthy sin be made clean. Through Him, I can be better than good. Through Him, I can be perfect.
But alone? It’s just me and my black hat.
