By Kieran Lin Rich – KRich13@bellsouth.net
Jeff and I spent last weekend shopping for my perfect pants — or in this case, the perfect shorts. Most husbands aren’t very enthusiastic about shopping with their wives; but, we have already established that Jeff is an exceptional husband. And besides, the ellusive shorts were a sporting goods acquisition which put them firmly into the kind of shopping Jeff likes to do.
We were hunting for a good pair of sliding shorts. Let me set the record straight before we go any further. I have no intention of sliding. Sorry Coach but the word “sliding” does not co-exist with the term “recreational softball team”. While admittedly, I am competitive to a fault at times, sacrificing my body to “take one for the team” is something that went out with my A.A.R.P. membership.
We were looking for sliding shorts to give some extra support to a leg that also apparently went out with my A.A.R.P. membership. Thankfully, we hit the sliding short jackpot at a fairly local sporting goods store. As I happily headed for the fitting room loaded with options, Jeff trolled the aisles while visions of basketballs danced in his head.
The first pair of shorts that I tried on were cute little pink and white things. Very cute. Very feminine. Very little. I squeezed into them, or tried to, as visions of the Michelin man danced in my head. After many gyrations and no fewer than 5 basic ballet moves, I got the dumb shorts on. Looking in the mirror, I laughed out loud. The Michelin man thing was more than just a vision!
It was only after I peeled the shorts back off that I noticed the tag. “YOUTH” it said in big, bold letters. Oops.
Once I moved out of the Juniors department and started trying on adult shorts, things went swimmingly. I found several pairs of shorts that would work and went out relay the happy news to Jeff. He met my happy news with more options in the form of compression shorts. These shorts would do the job I wanted them to do without the extra padding of sliding shorts. Not only would I get the extra thigh support I needed from the compression; but, the sliding pads would be absent so nobody would make the wild assumption that I was actually planning to slide. Obviously a win/win situation.
Because I do have a learning curve, I looked at the tag on the shorts to make sure they were a reasonable adult size before I headed to the fitting room with them. That was when I saw that my potential shorts had some pretty amazing features.
Not only were the anti-bacterial, they also promised to stay stretchy, protect me from the sun, and keep me dry. It was one last feature that kind of tripped me up though. My potential shorts came with “noise-reduction”. I had to read the tag several times to make sure that’s what it really said and then, I almost put the dumb shorts back on the rack.
I didn’t want shorts with noise reduction! I just wanted regular shorts that I could blame when things went awry. “I’m sorry, Coach. I tried to get that ball but my shorts…they were just too darn loud!” “Sorry Coach, just when I went to make the catch, my shorts taunted me and I dropped it.” “Sorry Coach, I intended to slide but my prophetic shorts told me not to.”
In the end, I did buy the exceptionally quiet shorts. Because my “loud shorts” excuse is now gone, I expect big things of myself at the game this week.
Trying to imagine the look on my coach’s face if I blamed my poor performance on my shorts has provided hours of good, clean fun. However, I can’t imagine that he, or any of my teammates, would be too thrilled with me if I tried to use the “loud shorts” excuse. And I REALLY do not want to imagine the long ride home as Jeff is also one of my teammates and has no patience for excuses or loud shorts.
My new shorts got me thinking about God and the excuses I’ve given Him over the years for not doing what I’ve been asked to do. Too busy. Bad timing. Not equipt. Scared to death. In my mind, my excuses seem very plausible — even reasonable. In God’s eyes, I’m sure my excuses seem totally ridiculous. Kind of like blaming a poor athletic performance on loud shorts.
And so, armed with exceptionally quiet shorts, I’m headed into my week with a new motto and a new attitude.
No excuses.
No compromise.
Just do it.
I’m really praying that God doesn’t want me to slide.